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Rara The Rare Bird - Flutters!

Once aspired as an alternative avenue for a good dose of stomach churning retorts, contemplative musings and miasmatic contents; it now doubles up as a dumping ground for words unspoken. Notwithstanding the horde of angst-devoided-drama-deprived entries you've nonetheless trespassed into precarious grounds, to be at the mercy of rara's free-flowing elucidations and innocuous lamentations. Step onto the platform for my reality, your exploits and our crusade.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

You

Sometimes my joy is fueled by that occassional demonstration of love and longing. You're the sparkle that ignites the flame within, i pray nothing comes by to extinguish that which illuminates.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
11:35 PM 0 Squeals

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Do you

When surrounded by boredom, loneliness became your most intimate friend. When left alone with loneliness, you confront the skeletons you've pushed into the deepest walls, the fears, the hopes, the dreams, the desires and all that you may once have felt strongly for, but now they are just brittle remains those sights pain and grieve u greatly. Sometimes you just need a stimulus like this that will cause u to rummage through the many layers seeking for something, perhaps familiarity, perhaps an old photograph to remind yourself who u were or just anything that could stir up that passion again.

Sometimes it is just being left alone that amplifies the emotions which u could feel. Why things ain't exactly working out the way u want, and then u will try to find reasons to understand why things didn't go the way u planned, and then u shocked yourself by that burst of tears. Only because then u realise, how easily it is for one to forget and lose oneself in that quest to discover. Yes you thought u are discovering yourself yet the reality is that in that bid to find yourself, u lose more than what u thought u were.

Who are you? Do u even know? What do u feel about, what is your greatest care? What do u love, who do u love and why do u love? What do u feel for, does doing what u do empowers u and gives u the strength you most often lack? Do u speak , do u listen, do u know....

Do you.. not.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
10:43 PM 0 Squeals

I'm so insanely bored to the extent of feeling fugging emotional!
I insist to stay in, stay at home.. hmmm i miss London.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
8:08 PM 0 Squeals

Weekend

I rewarded myself with a quiet weekend.

Staying in.. rolling on my bed, basically doing nothing besdes,eating and sleeping.
The only thing less than perfect has got to be my boredom. I'm walking contradiction - one who dreads boredom and activity at the same time.

Restless soul what am i going to do with you?

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
5:24 PM 0 Squeals

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Rarity

I cannot believe i am still awake. Body breaking but then again i hardly get a chance to stay up so late 'with' her.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
3:10 AM 0 Squeals

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

These Feelings

I could recognise these feelings.
Fleeting moments of sadness that set in when I least expected without rhyme or reasons.. nothing maniac, just very subdued, almost calm. Feelings like those scare me silly because they seem harmless enough to be dismissed yet, for the fact that i couldn't identity a SINGLE good explanation for why they exist does little to appease my paranoia.

Sometimes i'm so empty i thought it's part of missing her. I do but this time it's more than that.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
11:18 PM 0 Squeals

Saturday, November 21, 2009

H for Hope and Holiday.

It takes a cancelled trip to unveil the vulnerability i've kept under wraps. Yes it is certainly disappointing to be looking forward to something so concrete so definite yet to have missed it by 10 minutes. Strange that time is the only substance which kept me away from my desire and my anticipation, before 20th November and on 20th November.

I'm disappointed that it's cancelled under such circumstances but what cripples most is that I looked forward to spending more time with her than to exploring a new country. Time is the most powerful weapon.

Looks like we've got to wait again. The count down begins.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
6:27 PM 0 Squeals

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Frustration Gap

I don't like to work long hours and people close to me know it.

The only thing that beguiles me is why then ,do i react SO STRONGLY to working long hours?

Haven't i already known that i'm hired into a position that can be summarized into two words - long hours?

I knew it at the point of signing on the appointment letter that i've signed my first career into a job that demands full commitment and not work life balance. I did expect workload to be something along this line and reality didn't shock me, but it does disgust me a little. I do not know where i get all my impressions from - like how a person should work and how a person shouldn't work. However i know i'm mostly disturbed not by my own inefficiency but by things i cannot change. That the long hours at work are not because people are working TOO slowly but because there are more tasks than working hours and so people have to stay back later to complete it. I know that often delays occur because of system competencies - applications take time to load and to refresh.

In short, i am facing a situation i cannot change.

So what did people say about situations we cannot change?

They said, May God grant us the PEACE to accept the things we cannot change.

But the prayer also went on to say, "grant us the COURAGE to change the things we can..." and the last and probably the key determinant - "and the WISDOM to know the difference.".

At where i stand, i struggle to differentiate if this discontentment is a result of things not within my control or could it just be the fruit of my myopia with ..the wrong thing?

I don't blog as often as i used to be because i know there are too many questions i love to ask which i could have saved my time and effort by moving on. Nonetheless ain't there always a reason to question the issues which stirs our feathers?

True enough, God is the navigator of my life yet i cannot help but feel that i need to also seek, to keep pushing myself to question the comfort He has placed me in and decide if that's truly what i want.

I am merely expressing a curiosity about this void which shouldn't have been there since i'm swimming in blessing water itself. This is a frustration gap i recognize, the same frustration gap Pastor Gary talked in my favourite sermon which inspired me greatly.

This frustration gap has now came to haunt me and well, now's my turn to apply whatever i thought i do know to action.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
6:19 PM 0 Squeals

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Musings

I love my Sundays.

It's a fabulous day for lazing around and preparing myself mentally for the challenges ahead in the new week. I love how i could wake up late in the afternoon and not have to rush to prepare for work. I love Sunday because Mum is at home and so is everyone else. I love home-cooked dinners which are rare now that I'm doing London Shift.

If you ask whether i prepare the London shift or the APAC shift, i will most definitely opt for the former. At the very least i need not go through the daily struggles of climbing up in the morning and neither do i have to subject myself to the uncertainties of whether i could squeeze into the train.

Working at 4pm also means i could lunch with you before work and/or see you for a frappucino when i knock off from work. Nonetheless, all good things have to come to an end. I've 4 weeks left to my ITP in London which means 4 more weeks left to savor the goodness and the flexibility that comes with my shift job.

Yes i will miss the handsome allowance and most certainly the luxury of time i've got with you but for once i will appreciate that yes, if i fancy,i can now go to the gym in the evening OR i could easily wobble back home for the yummy dinner i always long for.

Right now i just can't wait for ITP.

I know i will miss you terribly during the 6 weeks of absence but yes i want to look forward to the traveling i will be doing. After cooping myself up for a good 25 years, I'm finally going to see the world.

It would have been perfect if i could have you by my side when i take in the beauty and gasps in awe of the sights before me, but i'm fortunate and i pray i am that Pam is going to be there and so things will actualize as how we've had it planned.

London ... finally you're going to be more real than you're in my story books.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
3:18 PM 0 Squeals

Monday, June 22, 2009

寂寞

是谁从我天空摘走了星星
一转眼眉头聚满乌云
从来快乐悲伤都自己横行
忘了我也值得被关心

一双手一个梦
一路上不断的俯冲
痛到忘了要怎么喊痛

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴
天灰了快乐总有限期
从来都陷在孤独的流沙里
忘了我也配被人在意
一个人一直走看着梦像做了又空
精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想有拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹
那是谁的温柔留在我的小手
微不足道却那么重

漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没
整个世界是沉默的漩涡
有谁能陪我手牵着手出走
带我离开空洞的星球

还有什么值得追求
还有什么可以拥有
把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖
有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁
能让我相信被爱的理由

Am lying if i say i am not blessed, yet deep down i long for u to say you will come with me. I am waiting and will not stop doing so until it's all over. Perhaps this why when the day to go approaches, i only wish to stay put.

Inscribed on tabula rasa;
12:07 AM 0 Squeals

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